News Clips

New Clips
 
Cat Videos Addictive
The Federal Drug Enforcement Administration announced that cat videos were being added to the list of controlled substances. "Based on the recommendations from a committee of addiction specialists we have determined that cat videos meet all the criteria of an addictive substance. Therefore, they will now be available only with a doctor's prescription to people at least 21 years of age. We need to control this growing menace," a spokesman said.

Russian Strike
A national strike in Russia shut down conservative news outlets around the world. A spokesperson for Fox News stated, "We didn't realize until now that without disinformation we have no news to report." He added that they were hopeful that the Russian strike would be settled quickly and programming could return to normal but said "of course we have no news about that."

Exxon Buys the Sun
A consortium of oil companies led by Exxon Mobil announced that they had bought the sun. "When Elon Musk let us know it was for sale we snapped it up," said Exxon CEO Darren Woods. "Elon said he only recently found out he wasn't the sun and decided not to buy it given the problems he had with the Twitter deal. There is only one sun so the appeal was obvious and then someone told us that all life is dependent on the sun. We had thought it was oil, but just in case, we now have all bases covered. Rates for the use of the sun will be announced soon. It's very complex; one rate will not work for everything. Farmers will pay a different rate than home gardeners, for example. Some uses will be prohibited – such as solar panels, but tanning will continue to be free."

First Black President
Donald Trump asserted today that he, not Barack Obama, was the first Black president. "One good day on the tanning bed and my skin is darker than his ever has been. And remember that more Blacks voted for me than voted for him" said Trump, "Black people love me, especially the women.” Asked to comment, Obama could not stop laughing long enough to respond.

Pro life
Republican leadership announced a sweeping legislative proposal to support women and children, stating that "When we say we are pro-life that obviously means support for the entire life of the individual." The proposal would provide all mothers with 6 months fully paid maternity leave, including payments to mothers not currently working for pay; free health care for all children from conception to age 21; free universal child care; and child rearing leave for parents. When some expressed surprise at the proposal a spokesperson responded, "what do you takes us for, barbarians and hypocrites?"

Transitioning
Some personal news, I'm transitioning. Yes, I am transitioning from being right-handed to being left-handed. I have always been very right-handed but have realized that in the interest of equality and justice that I need to change. I now self-identify as left-handed, although the transition will take some time since my right hand is reluctant to relinquish its dominate role. During this time there may be some awkwardness and this may make some people who have always known me as right-handed uncomfortable. Please bear with me. I want to express my gratitude to members of the left-handed community who have been so accepting and supportive. It makes me believe that I have chosen the correct path.
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Supreme Court News
In a stunning reversal the Supreme Court announced today that after reading the constitution for the first time they realized that there is no provision giving the Court the authority to declare any laws or executive actions unconstitutional. The decision was 6-3 with all the conservative justices supporting the finding. Justice Thomas, speaking for the majority, said "one of our law clerks pointed out the lack of constitutional authority and after the Justices read the document for ourselves we found no such authority existed. As originalists who believe that unless the constitution expressly mentions a right or power then it does not exist. Therefore, we hereby overturn the case of Marbury v. Madison (1803) which incorrectly assumed that power to the Court."