The angel Gabrielle appeared at a press conference today. After blowing his horn he announced that Heaven would be unable to make the payment on its debt due at the end of the month. Heaven would in effect default on its bonds. Gabrielle disappeared without taking questions.
The default came as a major surprise to most casual observers, although experts in the field said they had been concerned about Heaven’s fiscal position for years. The default sent shock waves through world markets as investors scrambled to understand the extent of the problem and, most importantly, who the bond holders are. While virtually everyone around the world had claimed to hold a piece of Heaven it turns out that China and the Cayman Islands hold most of the bonds. Of course, the Cayman Islands declined to divulge where the bondholders actually lived or the origin of the funds.
Evangelical Republicans in the US were particularly upset, both because they abhor debt and because most of them believed that they were headed to Heaven after their time on earth. The pastor of the We Know God Church said “Honestly we don’t have a back-up plan if Heaven closes down. We are hoping that the debt can be restructured so Heaven can continue to operate.”
The director of the Debt Watch Institute, a non-partisan think tank, noted that Heaven may have fallen victim to recent demographic trends. “The world population has risen dramatically since WW II and now all those extra people are starting to show up in Heaven. This puts a lot of pressure on operating costs. If you couple that with the anti-tax movement it doesn’t leave much room to cover escalating expenses.
Gordon Norwich, of the United Taxpayers Union, stated, “I don’t care what their financial problems are you can’t have taxes in Heaven. I mean, its Heaven; need I say more?”
Several commentators suggested funding Heaven through user fees, noting that people not going to Heaven were unlikely to want to pay to support Heaven if they aren’t likely to get in. A spokesperson for Warren Buffet said the problem was brought on by the fact that most rich people, such as investment bankers, hedge fund managers and CEO’s of large corporations, are now going to Hell and no longer provide financial support to Heaven. Buffet did not rule out investing in Heaven if he could get the right deal.
Standard & Poor’s admitted that they were caught off guard by the default. Heaven had always carried a triple A credit rating. A spokesperson said that Heaven was not subject to any regulation or disclosure requirements since it was not part of this world, so obtaining financial data was difficult. “We just knew that there were undoubtedly many financial wizards in Heaven, so we assumed that its fiscal house would be in order.”
There have been hundreds of reports from people of all religious denominations who claim that God has spoken to them about the fiscal crisis in Heaven. By most accounts God has emphasized that he is not directly affiliated with Heaven. They have a long and close working relationship, but God was very clear that he is not responsible for Heaven’s debts and will not be taking any steps to bail Heaven out. In fact, God expressed some frustration that in recent years many of the people admitted to Heaven seem to think that they have it made and no longer need to pray to God or attend any religious services. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that so few religious leaders actually end up in Heaven and there are relatively few churches.
The Wall Street Journal suggested that Heaven just needs to restructure its business model. It explained that Heaven doesn’t make anything. It is a service business and one of the most recognized brands on the planet. They need to stop giving their services away and capitalize on their near universal name recognition. Millions of people credit angels with helping them with health issues, family problems and money concerns yet they collect no fees for these services. That needs to change. Likewise, every day multitudes pray to heaven for guidance and help and that should not be a free ride either. Heaven needs to adopt a straight forward fee for service model and it will be on sound financial footing in no time.
Numerous sources have speculated about a possible merger of Heaven and Hell but this could not be confirmed. A Wall Street analyst speaking anonymously said such a merger would be bad for both brands. "If Heaven and Hell merge it would be just like living on earth, so what would be the value in that"?
* * * *
This morning the angel Gabriele announced that Heaven had agreed to be acquired by a private equity firm. "As a public entity Heaven has not been able to appropriately monetize one of the best known brands in the universe" he said. "By going private we can leverage our universal brand recognition and develop an unsurpassed revenue stream as the most desirable destination in the universe by catering to a select clientele. We believe this will put Heaven on a firm financial footing for eternity. We regret any inconvenience this may cause to those now unable to achieve Heaven status."
One Small Voice
© Copywrite 2016- 2018 All rights reserved