Government Shutdown

Government Shutdown

The government shutdown has brought new meaning to President Kennedy's words "Ask not what your government can do for you, ask what you can do for your government." This is a time when we are all called upon to put that admonishment into practice. While many people are picking up trash and helping at National Parks there is much more we can and should do. Here are some options that you might consider.

The IRS was already short staffed and now is completely unable to conduct audits. Here is a place where the market economy can come to the rescue. Sign on the Audit a Billionaire program. You can select a billionaire of your choosing and conduct your own audit of their tax filings. Full subpoena powers will be provided. And to provide the appropriate market incentives auditors will get a finder’s fee of 20% of taxes and fees that are found to be owed. Hurry; this program is filling up fast.

Volunteer to be a TSA screener at your local airport. Give those unpaid workers a break and speed travelers through the security checkpoints. Notice: anyone who has been the target of a "Me Too Moment" will not be allowed to conduct pat downs or full body searches. Volunteer just 5 days and get first pick at the confiscated items storage bins.

We all know that the government shutdown is about the border wall, so step up and Buy a Brick for the Border Wall. Each brick can be individually inscribed with a name or phrase of your choosing and will be placed in the sector of the wall that you designate. Please note that certain words and phrases are not acceptable, including climate change, happy holidays, crybaby, liar and others too numerous to mention here. The cost of a brick varies. Bricks higher on the wall will cost more.  However, those at the top with the razor wire on them are available at discounted rates. Lobbyists can buy bricks to show their support for the President starting at $5 million.

Speaking of lobbyists, they too are having a hard time during the shutdown. With so few people in Washington these days some have been forced to buy their own lunch since there is no one to take out and schmooze on a business expense account. So, join our Take a Lobbyist to Lunch initiative. Pick your industry - oil and gas, mining, big pharma, tech giants or that all-time favorite the NRA, which is running a special guns and buns lunch buffet.

This is a time to step up and help your fellow man. FDA food inspectors have been furloughed and this poses a serious health risk, especially to our most vulnerable citizens. I refer of course to the residents of the White House. Volunteer food tasters are urgently needed to taste all the food that is to be served to the 2-year-old who lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The food is very good, but remember 2 years olds are subject to erratic behavior and temper tantrums. No spanking is allowed.

Government workers can go dumpster diving or haunt food pantries so they have no excuse for being hungry but the animals confined to the National Zoo and other federal facilities are not so fortune. We therefore urge you to support the GoFundMe initiative to feed animals at the National Zoo. Be generous; elephants eat a lot.

For the more adventurous now is your opportunity to take over Coast Guard's search and rescue duties. Here is your chance to jump out of a helicopter or be on board a boat speeding through 30 foot waves. Normally you would have to pay tens of thousands of dollars for extreme sport experiences of this caliber. Just bring your own wetsuit and get started today. The drowning victims you save will thank you. For the truly brave ask about the availability of a special assignment to search for an adult in Washington

Those with experience organizing protest rallies and strikes can help by making "Will Work for Pay" signs for government workers experiencing forced labor without compensation. We value diversity so multicolored signs are preferred.
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Let me thank you in advance for all you do to support efforts to keep basic government services available to the public (that would be you). While we do appreciate your efforts maybe next time you should vote
 
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